Connection, healing, growth, and recovery for all veterans
MY STORY
I grew up in a farming community in northern Utah, where I learned the
values of faith, family, community, and patriotism, how to work hard, and to
always serve others. Dreams of joining the Army began in my early
teenage years, and I entered the United States Military Academy just
weeks after graduating high school.
I was a young Army Captain on 9/11, and like most service members of
my generation, the events of that day would have a defining impact on my
career. I first deployed to Afghanistan in 2003, where I worked alongside
members of the newly created Afghan Army. I became very fond of them
and learned as much as I could about their country, its people, their
culture, their language, and their history. Six years and two more
deployments later, my fascination with Afghanistan had only deepened,
and I had become one of the military’s leading experts on that country.
Our top leaders in Kabul and in Washington were using my knowledge
and perspectives in making their decisions. It was exhilarating yet
humbling. In 2010, I resigned from the Army to accept a civilian position
in the Pentagon that would make me an even more powerful voice in
guiding our nation’s war effort.
Despite my many professional successes, I was suffering in unseen ways.
The effects of prolonged stress and traumatic incidents during the
multiple deployments left me experiencing many of the classic symptoms
of post-traumatic stress disorder. Like most veterans, I thought I could
manage the problem and was not inclined to seek help. “Managing the
problem” eventually meant relying on destructive coping mechanisms.
Addiction and other demons swarmed around me.
My invisible wounds became more complex and psychologically damaging
as time passed. I would deploy five more times in the next eight years as a
civilian adviser to our top Generals. When not in Afghanistan, I supported
the mission from afar and advised military leaders back home, but this
work left me morally shattered. I developed a profound sense of guilt and shame over my role in the conflict, especially over the fraction of responsibility I personally felt for the misery it had caused on both sides. Anger, depression, and hopelessness came to define my state of mind; relationships with family and friends were fraying; intrusive thoughts of suicide became common; and deployments to Afghanistan became an escape. I wasn't managing at all. I was spiraling downward.
How the trajectory of my life changed and why I share this story at all is
a wonderful story of its own. It involves a horse named Tanga, who I met
not long after my sixth deployment. I wasn’t looking to fill any voids in my
life, and she and her herd mates could not have been hoping to
encounter a human like I had become, but a relationship formed
between us that changed me. Over time, that relationship would
bring peace to my soul, restore purpose to my life, and set me on a path
to healing. (Click on "WHY HGY6?" to learn more about the role horses
played in helping me heal my own invisible wounds and how they
influence my work today.)
I was certain other veterans needed what I had found, and I wanted to
share it. That desire eventually led to the pursuit of a Masters in
Counseling with specialization in equine-assisted mental health,
but my study of the issues affecting veterans and how to treat them
brought me to an unexpected conclusion:
Most veterans do not need therapy. What they need is authentic
connection with individuals in their own communities who will listen to
their stories without judgement, accept them for who they are, and walk
the path of healing with them.
I am convinced there are countless people who would gladly honor and
serve our nation's heroes in this way, but a social and cultural chasm separates veterans and non-veterans in our society. Non-veterans are
left wondering how to help, while too many veterans are left isolated
with their invisible wounds untended. I am on a mission to close that
gap. By raising public awareness, by educating those who seek to honor
and support our nation’s heroes, and by promoting community actions
that invite connection, I am determined to encourage healing, growth,
and recovery for all veterans.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and thank you for joining
me in this cause.
View from the roof of the building I worked in during five of my eight deployments. The last Americans stationed in Kabul evacuated by helicopter from the soccer field in the foreground.
Me and Tanga shortly after I returned from my final deployment to Afghanistan.
Returning to Kabul after a brief trip to Helmand during my third deployment. There is a lot going on behind those eyes.
My buddy, me, and our Afghan interpreter during my first deployment. If a wheel is going to break off, it might as well be in the middle of nowhere during a sandstorm.